Fire Retard Ants

Mom I want to go to Pizza Hut

Archive for December 2007

FRT 1 – i wrote this for a girl, it’s not cool anymore.

leave a comment »

The scene is a coffee shop. There are only a couple tables and a well-lit back room with two smaller tables.

A walks over to the back table where B is sitting

A: I’ve seen you here before. You come here often?

B looks up

B: Yeah, I’ve seen you here before too.
A: Can I sit?
B: Sure.
A: What do you do?
B: Rocket Scientist.
A: Really?
B: No, What do you do?
A: Astronaut.
B: Really?
A: No

A: Your pretty funny.
B: Thanks.
A: Seriously what do you do?
B: I sit here and contemplate the plane of my reality. I’m here everyday trying to figure it out.
A: Really
B: Yes. And today is the most important day of them all. You see today is the day when my reality will cease to exist.

(A looks very carefully at B)

A: Is there anything you can do about it.
B: No, there’s nothing I can do.
A: Is it just your reality or all of reality as everyone understands it.
B: No, just mine everyone else’s realities are safe. Well, that’s what I can tell from my research.

The table disappears (A notices with a panicked look)
(B remains calm)

The wall disappears
(B remains calm)

A: This place, This coffees shop is part of your reality I suppose.
B: I guess. I can’t really tell what’s mine or someone elses.

A: I love this place.
B: Yeah, me too.

A takes hold of B’s hand and bites a finger off and swallows hard.
B is gone but the coffee shop is left with three walls.

The girl from the counter walks over to A

Girl: It’ll take you about a week to put everything back together the way it was, so you better get started.


Written by fireretardant1

December 29, 2007 at 11:54 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

January 3rd, if we needed to remind you.

leave a comment »


Written by fireretardant1

December 29, 2007 at 4:44 am

Fire Retard Ant #1 to Fire Retard Ant #2

leave a comment »

Way to one-up me on rejections.

Written by fireretardant1

December 28, 2007 at 2:48 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Fire Retard Ant 2’s rejected cover image for “Nugget” magazine

leave a comment »


Written by fireretardant2

December 27, 2007 at 5:50 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Fire Retard Ant #1’s Letter to the Stranger that didn’t get printed.

leave a comment »

This was written for the Stranger’s Regrets issue, but unfortunately it didn’t make the cut.

Dear Mrs. Graves,

Thank you for allowing me to submit a regret for your Regrets issue of The Stranger. I have been thinking about what I should write as my regret. This challenge has forced me to think about all the stupid things I have done and said this past year. I would like to think of something funny to write, probably because I associate funny with memorable, but ironically when I hear a joke I usually can’t even remember the punchline (I wonder if this might be a problem with my intelligence, I should really get that checked out). It’s my belief that most artists my age, or at a similar point in their careers, regret things like not making enough work or saying something really stupid in front of a dealer or critic. I have these same regrets, but these are nothing a couple beers can’t fix.

When thinking about my regrets I should ask myself is there anything I should have done differently, or if presented with a similar opportunity would I do anything differently… I guess my answer would be “I don’t think I could”. I am socially and artistically retarded. So, at this point I would have to say that my regret is that I can’t think of a better regret (but this is subject to change… I’m probably going to regret sending this letter).

FRT #1

Written by fireretardant1

December 27, 2007 at 2:07 am

Posted in Uncategorized


with 2 comments

 Dutch-oven the ones you love.


Written by fireretardant2

December 21, 2007 at 6:29 am

Posted in Uncategorized

The Fire Retard Ants Need Your Help in Deciding How to Install Our Show

leave a comment »

We know that you don’t know what’s going to be in the show, but tell us how you think we should use the space. I’m thinking we need to tear down the south wall and install in Platform Gallery.


Written by fireretardant1

December 19, 2007 at 5:48 pm

Posted in Uncategorized